The Santa Clause Tim Allen Funny Face
I say name, you say Scott Calvin.
The Santa Clause
- Scott's various jabs at Neal.
Charlie: Neal doesn't believe in Santa.
Scott: Well, Neal's head comes to a point.
- And...
Laura: All Neal told him was that Santa was more of a feeling, more of a state of mind than an actual person.
Scott: Kind of like Neal.
- Not to mention...
Scott: Where is he?
Laura: Well, he could be listening to records jumping up and down on his bed wearing a red hat and galloshes.
Scott: I don't care what Neal's doing. Where's Charlie?
- Despite the Executive Meddling that caused it to be removed, this exchange between Scott and Laura...
Laura: Here's Neal's mom's number in case.
Scott: 1-800-SPANK-ME? I know that number!
- Scott trying to cook turkey for dinner, only for it to erupt into flame. His dance as he tries to snuff it out with the fire extinguisher is quite amusing.
- Also amusing is the juxtaposition of the camera making a gentle pan across a positively glorious Christmas dinner... Only to reveal it's the TV displaying a cooking channel, followed by a pan over the actual "meal" which is all manner of charred/curdled/spilled mess that looks nothing like the one on TV.
- This line.
Scott: That is exactly why you want a high quality fire extinguisher....Right in the kitchen.
Charlie: Those flames were really big, Dad.
Scott: Yeah turkey's funny that way. (Turkey catches fire yet again)
- This leads to them going to Denny's for dinner.
Charlie: Dad burned the turkey.
Waitress: Oh, yeah, this way.
- Leading to the reveal that Scott isn't the only father who tried and failed to make Christmas dinner for himself and his son or daughter—a whole section of the restaurant is devoted to dads who make terrible cooks. One even waves a bandaged hand at Scott.
- Scott putting Charlie to bed:
Charlie: Maybe you better leave some milk and cookies out, just in case. Okay?
Scott: Great. I'll just go pre-heat the oven.
Charlie: And don't forget the fire extinguisher!
- Charlie slips in a rather savage jab at Scott, while the pair are gazing down at Santa's body on their lawn.
Charlie: It is Santa! You killed him.
Scott: I did not. And he's not Santa.
Charlie frowns disapprovingly at his father.
Charlie: Well, he was. - The Rose Suchak Ladder company.
- Comet's pranks and general shenanigans.
- Just all the trouble Scott goes through during his first time filling in for Santa but before officially becoming the new one, especially at one point when he gets attacked by a guard dog which in turn wakes up the house's occupants, who proceeds to go for their gun.
Charlie: What'd it feel like, Dad?
- Before that, Scott doesn't seem thrilled when Charlie tells him what to do:
Scott: Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, in my UNDERWEAR!?
- Followed by this when the bag takes him towards the chimney.
Charlie: Whoa, Dad! You're flying!
Scott: It's okay, I'm used to it. I lived through the '60s.
- Scott being a total grouch to a little girl who wakes up as he leaves her presents — she asks the obvious questions and he delivers increasingly snarky responses.
Girl: Santa?
Scott: Scott Calvin.
Girl: How come your clothes are so baggy?
Scott: Because Santa is watching his saturated fats.
Girl: How come you don't have a beard?
Scott: Because I shaved! Do you want this doll or not? Go back to sleep!
[Scott grabs a cookie from the plate left out]
Girl: You're supposed to drink the milk.
Scott: Look, I am lactose intolerant! And I'm just about this close to taking all those presents back up the chimney. [turns and mutters under his breath mockingly] Supposed to drink the milk!- Later turns into a Heartwarming Moment when the girl remembers to leave him soy milk the next year, and with Scott now accepting that he is Santa (now looking the part, too).
- "Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! When I wake-up, I'm getting a CAT scan!"
- After they've finished delivering presents, Scott tells Santa's reindeer to take him and Charlie home. But instead of taking them back to the Calvin residence, they deposit the father and son duo in a seemingly barren wasteland in the North Pole.
Charlie: (anxiously) Is this okay, dad?
Scott: (outraged) No, it's not okay! - Bernard, despite his grumpy exterior is a pretty funny guy/elf.
Bernard: (notices Neal's hideous sweater) Nice sweater! Hey, did we make this? (starts tugging on the back of the sweater, checking the tag, while Neal looks quite bewildered)
- Bernard in general:
Bernard: Excuse me, are we on a coffee break?
Elf: We don't drink coffee.
Bernard: Then I guess the break is OVER! Back to work! Thanks!
- Even after he shows Scott the full clause as written on the index card, Scott doesn't get the situation:
Scott: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy!
Scott: That's ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to-
Bernard: Try to understand this!
The elves: Ooooooohhhh....- Again.
Bernard: I'll ship the List to your house.
Scott: What list?
Bernard: (quietly) C'mon, you know, the List; he's making a list...
Charlie: (loudly chiming in) Checking it twice!
Every single elf in earshot: Gonna find out who's naughty or nice!
- Scott always getting Bernard's name wrong. One of the names he calls him is "Barabbas".
- The puppets who are entertaining themselves as Scott and Charlie get ready to go to bed. The moment he drops his pants to reveal his boxer shorts, they flip out and scream. He immediately pulls them back up.
- Scott's interactions with Judy the elf.
- After she delivers his hot cacao, a recipe she perfected for 1200 years, he provides this quip.
Scott: You know, you look pretty good for your age.
Judy: Thanks, but I'm seeing someone in wrapping.
- The whole business with Scott's monogrammed pajamas, which he received from an elf named Judy and thus has no rational explanation for owning. His pointing out that Judy was also the name of a waitress he had met earlier just makes him look even crazier. As Laura drives off, he yells that it was all a dream, and that he doesn't even wear pajamas: "I like to sleep naked! BUCK! NAKED! Ha!". He then realizes that he was yelling this in front of his neighbor and her young daughter, and sheepishly wishes them a Merry Christmas as they hurry off in disgust.
- When he's being grilled over his and Charlie's Christmas Eve, Scott lays on the sarcasm as only Tim Allen can.
Neal: What exactly did you and Charlie do on Christmas Eve?
Scott: Had a bowl of sugar... two shots of black liquor... played with my shotgun, field-dressed a cat... looked for women...
(Beat)
Scott: (exasperated) I read him a book!
Neal: Which book?
- Scott getting in a zinger on Neal's awful-looking sweaters.
The only thing you need to worry about is where you're going to buy your sweaters after the CIRCUS pulls out of town!
- Scott wakes up one morning to find himself fat and bearded, despite his best attempts at Implausible Deniability:
Scott: Aaah! ...Something's wrong with the mirror. Ha ha ha! Something's wrong with the scale!... AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!
- The entire scene in the conference room, where Scott's associates cannot take their eyes off of how pudgy he has become. Or by his voracious sweet tooth when they all order lunch, with him ordering a creme brulee, cheesecake, cookies, and ice cream with fudge as a side dish.
- Also, Scott scooping up every drop of fudge in his sundae glass to the tune of Jeopardy! in the background.
Mr. Whittle: [Scott scoops up all the fudge he can they all look on] Finished? [Last two beats as Scott takes his last scoop]
- "Well isn't that a pretty picture: Santa rolling down the block in a Panzer! 'Well kids, I certainly hope you've been good this year, 'cause it looks like Santa just took out the Pearson home! INCOMING!!!"
- The scene when Scott goes to see his doctor.
- Scott's heart beating to the tune of Jingle Bells.
- And of course, the infamous line "A little weight? Does this look like a little weight to you?!"
- When Scott first receives Santa's list, he is puzzled at one of the names on it: "Armand... Assante??" (Who was 45 years old at the time of the movie's release and apparently still receiving gifts from Santa)
- After his transformation has started to fully happen, Scott walks down the street audibly confirming which kids are naughty and which ones are nice. Then he walks past an attractive woman and says "Verrry nice!" She replies with "in your dreams, sleigh boy!"
- The Police Lineup. The police, knowing Scott will be dressed as Santa, round up seven different Santas and line them up. #3 is Black (and makes for a particularly unconvincing Santa, as he uses his real beard, which is gray and not very long) and #5 is a dwarf, making it unclear why they were brought in.
Officer: Turn to your right. (nobody moves) Hello?...
- When the police apprehended Scott:
Scott: Merry Christmas, officers.
Cop: Not tonight, fatboy!
Scott: Fatboy?
- Scott's interrogation. Pictured above.
Interrogator: I know you're Scott Calvin. You know you're Scott Calvin. I say "name" and you say "Scott Calvin." Name?
Scott: Kris Kringle.
Interrogator: Name?
Interrogator: (Getting angry) Name?
The Santa Clause 2
- For some reason, Curtis can amplify the music of a dancing Santa animatronic to the whole entire Pole.
- Bernard and Curtis telling Santa about the Mrs. Clause, written in such fine print that Bernard pulls up bigger and bigger magnifiers like he's an optometrist.
- Curtis tells Lucy that he has pointy ears because he never ate his green vegetables.
Curtis: Do you eat your green vegetables?
Lucy: *Feeling her ears* Uncle Scoooott!
- Molly Shannon as an aspiring country singer whose obsession with Christmas is too much even for Scott. After she sings a parody of Shania Twain's "Man! I Feel Like A Woman" (with Christmas-themed lyrics, of course) in the middle of the restaurant...
Tracy: Oh god, you hated it.
- Neal and Laura set up a date for Scott after he tells the family about the "Mrs. Clause". Scott comes downstairs in a sweater Neal lent him, and Laura offers him the use of their minivan to drive back and forth.
The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
- One in the bloopers:
Santa: Look, I'm not gonna...evoke?
Producer: Invoke.
Santa: Hm.
(bleep)
Santa: Look, I'm not gonna evoke-
Producer: IN VOKE!!
Santa: (chuckles) Easy!
(bleep)
Santa: I'm not gonna invoke...
(Beat, before the crew bursts into laughter)
- The best part is the Rewatch Bonus. If the DVD subtitles are to be believed, Tim still ends up saying evoke in the final cut.
Source: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/TheSantaClause
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